Diary of a CMUQ student: Free food events

Although this is obviously a caricature, it’s still accurate to a great extent. This is how I like to imagine our free food events go. I love our CMUQ community :)

November 13th 2014:

Today was yet another free food massacre. The casualties are still racking up, even up until now. I was lucky enough not to have been caught in the stampede, as the vantage point I had been lucky enough to have been in allowed me to view everything without getting involved.

The event I witnessed today was actually larger than average; a public club event with boxes upon boxes of pizza and hundreds of drinks, held outside, in the Green Spine. As soon as the clock hit 18:00 sharp, the caterers (which we also call “Food Guardians”) loosened their circular formation around the piles of food to allow attendees of the event to eat. They must’ve been new recruits, and their lack of experience showed as soon as the first wave of students attacked the stash.

“CHAAAAAARGE!” cried one of the students the moment the Guardians made the fatal mistake of dissipating their formation from one small opening rather than immediately flee. The moment the self-proclaimed leader screamed to begin the assault, the horde of starving students swarmed the area, clawing, kicking and punching anything that got on their way. Armed with empty plates and forks, which they’d only use to fray themselves a passage amidst the chaos, they ravaged the free food table, leaving the poor Guardians defenseless beneath their worn sneakers, sandals and flip flops. Their screams of pain and agony echoed all around the battlefield, Somebody help us, what barbarism is this!? In the meantime, the ravagers were throwing themselves at the food table, grabbing anything at hand, trying to get as much sustenance as their plates and arms could get.

While the more imposing upperclassmen had experience on their side, mirrored by their deep battle scars, the freshmen enjoyed terrifying numbers. To secure their advantage even more they tend to form short-lasting alliances during such events, where they’d agree to perform some sort of sharing, and agree to watch out for friendly fire amongst themselves.

One minute into the carnage, the first injured could already be seen crawling out from the brawl, preceded by isolated students walking away with their loot, hoping to consume it in a safe location. Whereas some got away with only two or three slices, some of them got out with entire pizzas. Some got it through trickery and elusiveness while others obtained such amounts using sheer, brute force and hardiness. Either way, those students are mostly battle-hardened veterans, who’ve been scavenging for free food for years; some even say they’ve been doing it since their past lives.

After its complete and utter plunder, the battlefield was a smoking, desolate wasteland. The fallen lay there, moaning for help and cursing their luck. From time to time some scavengers would scour about, looking for anything left from the onslaught, but would only find broken plates and cutlery, as well as the occasional garlic cream container or bottle of water. No sign of anyone attending the actual event.


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